Baby Number _?

Sometimes I struggle with what number pregnancy I should call this.  At every doctor’s appointment and ultrasound I’m asked “And what number pregnancy is this?”  There, I know I am to include all my pregnancies.  Even those I never got to bring home.  “Six.” I say, it still stings every time the words fall from my lips.  “And how many live births have you had?” Sometimes they say this with a smile, but most of the time when a person as young as me has had so many pregnancies they know the numbers won’t match.  “Two.” why can’t I look them in the eye when I say this?  I still carry some shame, still blame myself.  I know it’s ridiculous, I know it makes no sense but grief- even when healed- doesn’t make sense. Continue reading


Refugees and Analogies 

Recently, there was a “possible act of terrorism” in my home state.  Cross Roads Mall in St. Cloud Minnesota saw a violent man tear through, leaving 10 people injured by stab wounds until he was shot by an off duty police officer.

St. Cloud is my husband’s home town, it is where we met at St. Cloud State University…I even worked in the Cross Roads Mall while going to college.  This hit very close to home, very close to our heart. Continue reading